On the Inside/On the Outside

I am an explorer.
I tend to hide.
I strive to be better.
I stumble & fall.
I keep my standards high.
I often make exceptions.
I have a voice that soars.
I volunteer to mute myself.
I see black & white everyhwhere.
I acknowledge a world of color.
I know that all have inherent good.
I focus on their bad sides.
I constantly question.
I roll over easily.
I have firm morals.
I open to other's ideals.
I have no doubts about who I am.
I lean toward constantly changing.
I am a person loved.
I crave someone's explicit attention.
I thrive in private places.
I thrive around many.
I create beauty and wonder.
I develop better ways to see stick figures.
I know the sun will rise and warm the new day.
I wait to see and feel.
I am an angel.
I brandish my pitchfork.
I want to experience all life has to offer.
I shy away and hesitate from new expriences.
I am frail and unsure.
I am strong and confident.

Song of the Day

"Untitled" by Simple Plan.

Life's Little Surprises

All of us have experienced life's little surprises. My niece, Ariel, is one for my older sister :D. Anyway... I have come to a point where I drew myself apart enough to find those small things that enhance the beauty of life's little surprises. One surprise that I've discovered is that there are people in the world who will give genuine feedback about the kind of person that you are. Sometimes it seems like they are laying it on thickly, but in the end, it's just truth. This happened to me today, but I loved it. Another little surprise I got was hearing my boss, voice full of confidence, assign me a task that is big time. :) This week is teleprompter training in my office because we got new equipment to play with. Chalk up one for the techie chick!!!!! 8-)

Okay... so I'm really sleepy right now which would indicate that maybe I should end my entry at this point. This sentence in parting: Know that even though life enjoys throwing curveballs to all us batters, figure out how to overcome the curveball (suprise, if you didn't pick up on the metaphor) and find those things in life that enhance it. You only have one life to live.

A Day of Randomness

Finally, after a couple of weeks of sorrows and deep thoughts, I have a couple of days of light-hearted joy and funnies. Saturday was a day of firsts. First time I swam with a sea turtle, first time I had a guy lay on my bed (which was weird because of the Honor Code I upheld and cherished for three years), and first time I went to work and got rewarded for a job well done. Sunday was a cool and mellow day while today had the funnies. This morning, I met a new faculty member and co-worker. Great man who's helping in the progress of the TV studio. My first impression was of a grump, but when I started actually talking with him, he turned out to be awesome. Now, today I experienced a couple of funnies revolving around this one man. He is helping me with a project I have for work, and after we were done with doing some more brainstorming, he started asking me about me. I told him my name, where I'm from, and then he asked about my husband. =D Here's the best part, when I told him I was single, he started pitching his son to me. After he pitched his son to me, and a deep blush, he told me about a daughter of his who keeps telling him that people have to have something more in common than the fact that they're single. :D Well anyways, "laugh with me! Laugh with me!" *giggles* Yep... totally feelin' the randomness right about now.

Song of the Day

"I Want to Live" by Josh Gracin

Epiphanies

These come, for me, when I least expect them but need them the most. Epiphany, by definition, is a sudden clear meaning of something... usually life changing. Well, I had one yesterday that I hope will change my life such that I can finally grab the ladder that has been lowered for me to use to climb out of this hole I've fallen into. This epiphany... "be still and know that I am God."

Share some epiphanies of yours. As many as you think of.

Song of the Day

"Breathe (2 am) " by Anna Nalick

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,

In May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.

Song of the Day x 2

"My Front Porch Looking In" by Lonestar & "Scars" by Papa Roach.

Transported Away

Listening to certain songs always take me to places in my soul that usually remain dormant or forgotten. The imagination takes away the physical boundaries around and replace them with emotions and shadows of forms. It creates a world where you know it's not quite right, but there is something in this created world that needs to be explored and understood. Old wounds, now healing scars, still carry with them memories so vivid and overwhelming that these songs I hear cause me to return to a place where something that evokes the memories of wounding comes forth.

Is it a bad thing? Not at all because ultimately, if we have laid our wounds onto the Saviour's shoulders then we have nothing to worry about in reminiscing. There is nothing wrong with allowing an outside force to help us remember our mortality and that we have experienced things in this life that are unique and precious to us. The art of daydreaming is sold short anymore. There is nothing wrong with someone how imagines emotions that occur in a jousting arena even though they've never been there, nor is there anything wrong with imagining hiking up Machu Pichu. I have always known that music has a unique quality to help people become in tune with the Spirit more. If you don't believe me, put in a song that has memories attached to it and truly listen to the words and the instruments and how they interact with each to make up the song.

There are songs that help us remember that our humanity is frail, wonderful and especially a blessing. There are songs that help us purge feelings of anger, frustration and sorrow. There are songs that if we aren't careful, can draw us into a place where instead of placating the negative, it feeds it. These are random thoughts that I'm having as I listen to many songs that I've discovered myself in. I always catch myself stopping as the song takes me to a place where I can see clearer about myself. People have said that minds are terrible things to waste, but I would argue that an imagination and a place within oneself to truly see themselves is a tragic waste if lost. Part of the journey to know thyself is to find what helps you meditate. For me it's music, for another person it's complete silence. Yet others find their solace in the chatter and laughter of children.

The beauty that this life has to offer is that we can cater to our needs. Never settle for just getting by... in my opinion you're already on your way down. Never placate yourself into thinking that the sky is too high because it never will be. Heavenly Father wants us to exceed all the expectations out there for us, find yourself as best you can. You will never stop finding yourself, but one day, you'll hear something and find yourself on a plane where your hurts are objects to gaze upon and lives unfold into works of art and value. Let yourself be transported away to find yourselves. The Gospel is true.

Small Desk, Beautiful View

As life spins and tosses me, I just look out my window to gaze upon views that rival any a person has seen. I have been discovering songs of late that keep pulling me up from feeling sorry for myself and closer to feeling more secure on my two feet. Until this past month, I hadn't known what I was getting myself into moving out and learning to become self-reliant. No one can prepare you for the fear and faith it takes to make that leap out to be on your own. I wonder if there are those of you out there in Blogger world who can sympathize with me... or even basically understand. It's so different knowing that you don't have a "home" to go to once the summer comes around or the Christmas holiday time. Actually, it's just weird realizing that you don't have a home like you'd think about normally. I have a place I pay rent for. A place where I have some friends.... but for the most part I've joined the nomadic ranks of Gypies. Yes, I have been going through much hurt and confusion right now. Yes, I am not where I would like to be nor where I wish I could be, but at the same time I know the Lord has been watching over me like a hawk. I have had more help in this life I call mine than I give acknowledgements for. And, maybe I've just been too locked down into my hurting to realize that things aren't as bad as I think they have been.

So, tying in the title of this post... my desk area is about three feet by four feet... really small. I don't really need much space because I don't take up much space. However, there are two redeeming qualities to my area in my office: the view from my chair out the window, and the people I share my cubicle with. The view always catches my breath because you never know what you'll see... hills enshrouded by rain clouds or crystal blue sky highlighting the levels of the hills. The people I work with are just plain awesome. Great sense of humors and just pleasant to be around in general.

In the end... it's not so bad really. There are confusing parts and stressful parts. Parts that hurt and parts that cause tears, but that's nothing special. The parts are special, but the things that go on resulting from the parts aren't unique. We all have pains, hurts, losses, confusions, laughter... happies. It's life.

Things Once Loved

Of late I'm realizing that I do not enjoy the things I used to. Writing doesn't engage me as much, gaming doesn't draw me in and neither do books for that matter. It's strange how the things I am used to going toward for enjoyment bore me. I try to maintain my focus on the tasks at hand, yet my mind wanders further and further. Blogging is something I do now to empty my mind more than maintain contact or express my creativity. I very much feel like a sailboat without a rudder in a storm. There are so many amazing things in my life right now, and I am genuinely bored with the life I have. I'm working two jobs so I can stay afloat. I foolishly purchased a car before paying off my rent. Now... I'm just biding time for something to happen. I crave for something to happen. Wish for it to grace my doorstep. Sarah thinks it is because I'm trying too hard. Maybe I'm just suffering from Overacheiver meltdown.

Anyone own Life? I sure need one.