Better of Two Evils?

Ever since I said hello and smiled at a couple of friends earlier, I've been pondering which might be worse: Saying hello and smiling while receiving stink eye or realizing you need to tell your "other" (boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend) that you won't be going back to where they are like you were thinking about doing.

Personally, I'd just as soon get kicked hard in the shin than have to go think through those two things again. Besides, soon enough two more thoughts will occur to me that make me wonder which might be worse. :/

A Dying Breed...

I just want to say that gentlemen are a dying breed and endangered species. Standing when a woman leaves the table, holding doors open for those behind, just being all around considerate... it really makes life worthwhile for me when a guy goes out of his way to do any of these things. Getting escorted or having him take my bag off my shoulder or being given a guy's jacket when I'm cold but too prideful to admit it. These are some of the things that make up the complex, sometimes lonely life of the gentleman. He is friendly to all and polite to boot. He is conscientious and willing to bend over backwards in order to make a woman's day or even minute. In my opinion, being a gentleman does not make a man less of one, in fact it makes him more handsome and masculine. It's appreciated when a guy is willing to lift up a woman who is in need of his strength when she cannot take another step or is injured. Men who are willing to put aside their pride and do these things are more manly in my eyes than the ones who open doors long enough to walk through and slam into the face of the person behind them and the ones who refuse to escort women (escort = putting their arm through your arm) on dates. Also, men who are willing to get things for the woman, like food if they're at a buffet kind of dinner place, are included in this group.

There is nothing weak or girlie about being a hopeless romantic who gives the girl the shirt off his back. Nor is there anything wrong with being the most genteel in life by doing any one of these things.

Song of the Day

"Bad Day" by Powter

Striving Toward the Spirit

As the stresses of school and a huge life change hit home, I'm realizing more and more how vital the Gospel and its guidance is. There isn't much time that goes by during my waking hours that I don't ponder things using the Gospel. If I try to take anyone else on this path I'm currently treading, forgive me.... I try not to pull people around with me. I just hope people are enjoying the ride. ;)

Solace of Friendship

Some of the best things in life come in packages from other people. Smiles, hugs, kisses... just the presence of another is uplifting. That's what I needed from last night. The smiles, hugs and just being around people who want you to be happy makes it difficult to dwell on more depressing matters like failing a test. ;) In spite of whatever downcast day I may be having, as soon as I get something genuine from a friend, my day takes a 180 and I could skip and whistle again. One of the best things ever is to hear the voices of those in your circle of friends each echoing the other in acknowledging your presence. There's nothing like a friend acknowleding your presence to pull you out of whatever deep recesses of negative emotions to have the shutters of your mind be torn open to let in some of the surrounding light and positive feelings that continuously surround me.

Song of the Day

"I Will Be There For You" by Jessica Andrews

Bleeding Soul (Do Not Read If Not Ready for the Contents)

Events, unfolding as they have, have caused me to lose a sense of who I thought I was. Goals and priorities have rearranged such that I don't even know what to pick for my future. Choices I've made have caused me much hurt and spiritual retardation. As I continuously fail to achieve the expectations I have for myself, I silently cry inside. These are tears that I need to share, but because of pride, I cannot allow myself that luxury. My support group has never been better; I have people who are constantly wanting to be around me and others who tap into my intelligence. All in all, my environment here is healthy and chalked full of growing opportunities.

Now the title that will have many concerned for me, bleeding soul. Recently, it seems like no matter how hard I try to stay on top of school work and work and church things, the more I fall behind. My focus doesn't leave, but somehow I do not retain anything that I've tried to study and even worse, as I sit down to take tests, I suffer from blank slate syndrome and forget the things I did study. As a result... I find myself slipping elsewhere in life. If it weren't for one of the best roommates, I might never even make it to church. I've been trying to find things to keep my mind where it needs to be; Gospel centered. Attempts at reworking my daily life so that I run off a schedule seems to not help my situation at this point. As Enos cried out my soul hungers!!! It truly does... I feel as if I've been starving for the past few years and my soul is remembering the taste of the goodness of the Spirit and it wants more yet I cannot provide more.

As stringent as it may sound, the rare moments I feel the Spirit brush past my heart, all the old wounds and scars throb with shadowed aching. The fresh wounds recognize the wrong that brought about the hurts and godly sorrow really does settle in. Before I go too much farther... I must explain where this is all coming from. I am not a bad person, as Sarah points out daily. I put forth as much effort as I can in all things that I do. *sighs* This kind of confession is not what I set out to write as I began this post. I need hugs and no one to ask questions about this post. Comment all you like... but questions in real life might completely unhinge me and cause long needed tears to fall and I can't afford that right now. Guh... I hate what I've become.... :(

Words to Think Upon

Something has swooped into my life and touched my heart deeply. This Sunday evening I sit in my room thinking of things that have been forced aside for a while now. Thoughts ringing in the recesses of my mind of Christ; barely dwelt upon as other thoughts rushed to crowd these thoughts out. A poem came to my mind as I sat and listened to an amazing musical group called Zion's Voice. Their message is one of Christ and His life, but also of how we should be leading out lives. I talked with one who accompanied me this evening about their impression of the musical fireside. The response was one that I had not realized, but then again, it had been a year since last I heard this group share their talents; the response was one truer than true... that we all could be better friends. Also, a song I have been listening to recently has resonanted with my soul and heart. In many of my classes, subjects of hurt without cultural boundaries has been discussed at length. Normally, I am very much an idealist and see hope in the darkest corners of hurt, but in many of the painful fears that I hold close to my heart all I can see is an empty hope that cannot be answered.

The words to the song "Prayer of the Children" has ushered in a sense of peace to my soul and longing for my Lord's attention and care in my life again. The words are:

Can you hear the prayer of the children?
On bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room
Empty eyes with no more tears to cry
Turning heavenward toward the light

Crying Jesus, help me
To see the morning light-of one more day
But if I should die before I wake,
I pray my soul to take

Can you feel the hearts of the children?
Aching for home, for something of their very own
Reaching hands, with nothing to hold on to,
But hope for a better day a better day

Crying Jesus, help me
To feel the love again in my own land
But if unknown roads lead away from home,
Give me loving arms, away from harm

Can you hear the voice of the children?
Softly pleading for silence in a shattered world?
Angry guns preach a gospel full of hate,
Blood of the innocent on their hands

Crying Jesus, help me
To feel the sun again upon my face,
For when darkness clears I know you're near,
Bringing peace again

Dali cujete sve djecje molitive?
(Croatian translation:
'Can you hear all the children's prayers?')
Can you hear the prayer of the children?

The poem I wrote as I was internalizing the music sung by Zion's Voice came as a way to clear my mind and revel in the Spirit's touch. My soul is still ringing with the now seldom touch of the Spirit. I have not done anything worse than I used to while growing up; just the opposite actually. It is just more difficult for me to remember how to feel the Spirit anymore. Days and nights are busy with school, and being an RA and just life in general has helped me to forget that which I wish my life revolved around: Christ and His sacrifice. He bled a drop of blood for me, and when I find myself thinking in terms like that, I feel a love that runs deeper than any known telestial love.

Amazing
There are no words
To describe and express
My heart's reaction
When I hear of my Lord.

Shivers run down my spine
Snatching away my words
Wrapping my heart in warmth
Causing my soul to rejoice.

Jumping into my throat
Pumping my life's blood.
This heart of mine
Resonates with my spirit.

Thoughts clutter the reaction
Stealing away the chance
Of basking in purity,
As I hear of my Lord.

Song of the Day

"Heaven" by Live

Woes Upon Woes

So... some of you have already seen my enigmatic MSN screen name. But for those who haven't, my cell phone service has been canceled temporarily until I can figure out why two bills haven't been paid. To be frank, I'm flamin' pissed!!! And I'm spending a perfectly good Monday evening alone because I now have joined the ranks of people in their rooms. Let me tell ya, it sucks. But complaining won't get me anywhere, nor will hiding. So here's my burning question:

Why is it easier for people to have cell phones? Or why is there the illusion of ease? I mean, c'mon. Verizon, I want to be able to contact my friends again some time before the next ice age. :|

Song of the Day

"Roads" by Portishead