Bleeding Soul (Do Not Read If Not Ready for the Contents)

Events, unfolding as they have, have caused me to lose a sense of who I thought I was. Goals and priorities have rearranged such that I don't even know what to pick for my future. Choices I've made have caused me much hurt and spiritual retardation. As I continuously fail to achieve the expectations I have for myself, I silently cry inside. These are tears that I need to share, but because of pride, I cannot allow myself that luxury. My support group has never been better; I have people who are constantly wanting to be around me and others who tap into my intelligence. All in all, my environment here is healthy and chalked full of growing opportunities.

Now the title that will have many concerned for me, bleeding soul. Recently, it seems like no matter how hard I try to stay on top of school work and work and church things, the more I fall behind. My focus doesn't leave, but somehow I do not retain anything that I've tried to study and even worse, as I sit down to take tests, I suffer from blank slate syndrome and forget the things I did study. As a result... I find myself slipping elsewhere in life. If it weren't for one of the best roommates, I might never even make it to church. I've been trying to find things to keep my mind where it needs to be; Gospel centered. Attempts at reworking my daily life so that I run off a schedule seems to not help my situation at this point. As Enos cried out my soul hungers!!! It truly does... I feel as if I've been starving for the past few years and my soul is remembering the taste of the goodness of the Spirit and it wants more yet I cannot provide more.

As stringent as it may sound, the rare moments I feel the Spirit brush past my heart, all the old wounds and scars throb with shadowed aching. The fresh wounds recognize the wrong that brought about the hurts and godly sorrow really does settle in. Before I go too much farther... I must explain where this is all coming from. I am not a bad person, as Sarah points out daily. I put forth as much effort as I can in all things that I do. *sighs* This kind of confession is not what I set out to write as I began this post. I need hugs and no one to ask questions about this post. Comment all you like... but questions in real life might completely unhinge me and cause long needed tears to fall and I can't afford that right now. Guh... I hate what I've become.... :(