Triumph Over Fear

One of the hardest things that I deal with in my life is fear. The fear that has a scarily powerful grip on my soul is acrophobia (fear of heights). Often I can swallow this fear and continue on with my life and be happy. There are the occasions when its grasp on my mind is such that I begin to succumb to this debilitating and irrational fear. Adrenaline kicks in and causes my body to slip further from my control. Why do I write this? Because I have won another tiny skirmish against this power that takes control when I least want it to.

This tiny skirmish was a night repelling trip. Though the cliff was maybe twenty feet tall, when I reached the top and was ready to walk over the edge, I lost control and struggled with willing my feet to continue their movement toward the edge. Acrophobia's logic took command of my mind as I was looking down for a place to put my feet, and my mind screamed that it was illogical for me to be able to walk down this wall. Pictures entered my mind of my body being perpendicular to the wall, straightly so, as I attempted the quick descent. This terrified me further.

As I was going through this mental battle, I had the support of those who came on the trip. Cheers rose up from the sand as the time elapsed and the minutes raced away from me. I found a ledge about three feet below the top of the cliff, and decided that I needed to test the harness and rope to that ledge. When I did, I not-so gracefully landed on that ledge safely. The next step was one into darkness and off that last ledge. A final deep breath and some wonderul words of encouragement from Judge, I walked off. To my amazement, I was fine. This amazement came from the messed up logic of being an acrophobe. Deep down, I knew and trusted Judge that everything would be alright and the rope and harness would hold me, but on the surface, I was battling for control while the fear had this control. Though other than my own experiences with my fear, I do not know much of the psychology of fear, I know that it truly is powerful and something that can so completely cause one to lose control.

I descended safely and to cheers of my triumph. My heart was cheering along with my friends. A smile spread across my face as I realized that I came out the champ of that battle. Though I hate to admit it, I do have this fear, and it does have the power to take control of mind still. These little battles are what help me to realize that I do not have to succome to the logic of acrophobia. Life is filled with little battles that, if won, help us to realize the amount of power and control we have in our lives. I thank Heavenly Father so much for blessing me with listening to Judge and his encouraging when I needed. It was as if Judge was holding my hand all the way down, and I am grateful for that. Though I cannot promise the next time I go repelling I will be able to keep my fear locked away, I know that I can think of this victory and realize that I have the power in me to overcome this fear. It is this knowledge that will empower me the next time, and as I said, I am grateful for it.

Life's Guestbook (Our Own Book)

A good friend of mine once said in my teenage years (in the not so distant past) that every person we meet writes something in our book of life. Some come and write a sentence or two, others write chapters, and there are even some who only write a word or two.

A song that we're learning in Women's Choir caused me to remember these words, and this friend whom I have heard little from since their familiy moved to Idaho. Thinking about these words and the many people I've met in my life, and relating this idea to this song, the idea has been beautifully transformed into song, I want to claim the message in the song as my own. In my short life, there have been many wonderful people that I've met and some people that were just detrimental and hurtful. The message of this song and the quote from my friend is that because of our encounters with people throughout our lifetimes, we change. It is a permanent change; using a line from the song goes, "... Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

The song was created for the broadway play, Wicked, and has an amazing message. Here's the lyrics:

For Good

I'm limited:
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you -
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
(spoken) For both of us
(sung) Now it's up to you:

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:

Because I knew you:

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled Like a ship blown
From orbit as it Off it's mooring
Passes a sun, like By a wind off the
A stream that meets Sea, like a seed
A boulder, half-way Dropped by a
Through the wood Bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?

And because I knew you:

Because I knew you:

Because I knew you:
I have been changed for good.

Making the Mile Marker

In the long process of acquiring another language, second or otherwise, there are many markers along the way. In spite of what the title of this post says, some of these markers are much farther apart than others. One of these markers for me is to gain and maintain a friendship with a native Japanese speaker. So far, my previous attempts have not led me passed this marker that is so important in the progression of learning a language. Some breakthroughs I've made in trying to gain a mastery of this amazing language have run me into a very thick, very painful wall. I am still trying to recover from a friend that I made when I first got here who rarely let me speak with them in Japanese. Oh well though... I've had many other experiences when my ability to speak Japanese helped out in the retail and tourism realm of my previous jobs.

The person that I have finally been able to surpass this particular marker with is a girl in my Hale who speaks Japanese with me just about every time she stops by the office and I'm working. It's really cool, and I appreciate it so much because I am actually learning a little better in translating mentally and then making a decent sounding reply. Well, this woman has really been cool. Tonight she stopped by and we just talked about everyday things like work, school and TV, of all things. It was really cool though. Granted... we slipped into Japlish (Japanese mixed with English, vice versa), but still, for about two or three minutes, I was thinking and replying in my best Japanese.

I know of a couple more people who are in similar situations where they are trying to find people to befriend who speak the language that they are studying. I am also glad and grateful of being around Judge when he tries to speak Japanese, because there I can just rely on my very Japanese, which is the foundational Japanese that I have all but forgotten. Thanks Judge. You help me keep my Japanese fresh, and thanks to the Hale 3 girl who is so excited that I speak Japanese that she spends five or so minutes speaking in the language with me.

Flexing My Creative Muscles

After reading on The Caf and stumbling across A Man from Saipan's post about why we blog, I decided that I better start holding true to the explaination I put up for my blog. Though my time is thoroughly consumed with school, work and church, I do have a more free, creative side to me. I love reading and writing poetry. Short stories are some of my favorite forms of expressing an issue that I have been wanting to explore as well as writing about a topic in essay-ish format. Until I read that post, I didn't realize that I had completely deviated from the main purpose of this site. This purpose for this site was for me to be able to break free of the stressful chains of school life and to exercise that creative muscle within my soul. This is my first step to rectify that oopsy.

And now *drum roll* for your reading pleasure.... a Haiku:

With in the true heart

Resides a precious jewel

Waiting for some light

Burned Out

I know, you're probably asking yourself, didn't the semester just barely start? In spite of knowing this, I am burned out. I spent the better part of this morning doing research for my senior paper, and I my brain has decided, after a few hours worth of classes today (no, I am not exaggerating either) to take the rest of the night off. I guess there are worse things that can happen. Also... I got very little sleep last night which I think is adding to my exhaustion. In my senior seminar class, I was falling asleep when I wasn't doing the reading for my media, communication and culture class tomorrow. I'm looking forward to a good night's rest and hopefully some good working out tomorrow. Thus endeth my complaining. Goodnight.

Letting the World Know I'm Alive

Well, as things always do, my life is changing. This change is not bad, it just takes me away from being able to put worthwhile posts on here. I know that my posts don't reach that many people, but for those who do read this I am still alive in my Hale and dorm room. Though it greatly saddens me, I am okay with the fact that I don't really get to see anyone in my little circle of friends anymore. I catch glimpses of them periodically around campus and in the cafeteria but for the most part, I just see those in my senior classes and my roommate and fellow RAs. Life is great however... rife with potential and growth. My classes are amazing, and I am excited to get to work on my senior paper.

Though this potential is everywhere, I keep running into walls. Boy... I sure love obstacles :D. Makes life so much more entertaining and worthwhile. The victory energy one feels from achieving goals and overcoming obstacles is more than enough to sustain me over the next few bumps that come up in the road of life. Soon... I'll have a co-pilot in my life, but until that person comes along I'm enjoying riding next to my many friends and loving it. Isn't passion a wonderful thing?

Song of the Day

"Last Thing" by Diana Anaid

The Blues of Beginning My Final Semester

Though many of us are trying to deny it, tomorrow is the first official day of classes here at BYU-Hawai'i. It signifies the beginning of the end really. Why you might be thinking? Well, I graduate in June. :D

It is scary and sad at the same time though. I am excited to be able to move on with my life and start exploring this gigantic world that I live in, but at the same time I am reluctant to leave this life that I've known for the past three years. I love who I've become while living in this paradise. The people who live here are amazing, and wonderful living text books on how life should and shouldn't be lived. I have learned more from living here than I ever would anywhere else. People from all over the world have come into my life via this school. Because I am an International Cultural Studies major, this campus has been a living text book for me. The daily interactions of people from across the globe are imprinted on my brain and cross-referenced with the many things I have learned within and out of the classroom here.

Not many people can say that they've lived in an area where almost half of the residents are from outside of the US. Those people who have attended school here at one point or another know what I'm talking about. In everyday life, I see so many people that need to just open their eyes a little more to see the potential it holds for them. Really, every one needs to realize that if they were to open their eyes just a little more that they'd see so much more of the world around them that there might be less depression and even war.

I have thought many days and nights about where my life should go after I graduate in June, but none of the options I've come across right now really jump at me. There's so much I want to do with my life, and yet nothing specific. I just want to experience it to the fullest. Heavenly Father did put us on this Earth to have joy and gain as much experience as we can. So, I say why not pick a road and see where it leads me.

Only the Lord knows for sure where my life will go and what purpose it holds. I know that as long as I remain prayerful and faithful that He will give me the answers and guidance I need. I can only hope to remember to keep my ears open to the whisperings and promptings of the Spirit. The options in life are endless, so why should we even stop to try and limit ourselves. We can acheive anything in this life as long as we want it badly enough. I know that every single person on this Earth has that potential. There is so much good in people, many just don't know how to see it anymore.

If this entry seems like an amalgamation of many ideas, it is because these are the thoughts that have been running through my mind. Although I do admit that some have meandered through my mind. ;) My thoughts also go out to those people in Southeastern Asia who have been impacted by the earthshake and tsunamis. I have seen pictures from that area that are both uplifting and sorrowful, and I can't imagine what must be going through these people's minds.

In spite of all the hurt in the world, there must be some way for people to transform themselves into beings who can see beyond themselves and recognize that they fit into a much larger scheme and life plan. There must be a way for people to realize that they really do impact those around them, and if they do something stupid, they aren't the only ones to feel the hurt that results from mistakes. I truly wish that someday, an intelligent, streetwise person will be able to come up a way for people to find healing for their broken wings. Personally, I know that the Lord provides a way for many to find this healing, but few partake in it anymore. I know that a Telestial being can help other Telestial beings to find their way to healing.

Now for a totally random comment. I came to the realization yesterday that Heavenly Father must have an awesome sense of humor. The best example I can think of to express this is the duck-billed platapus. I mean come on... it's one of the funniest looking creatures ever. Another example I can come up with, that I know people can relate to, is the fact that He likes to bless people with meeting the kind of people they said they'd never date or put them into situations that they said they'd never be in. My best girl friend and I always made fun of the girls who got married at 18 and 19, but wait a minute... she got married at 19. ;) For myself, I never wanted to be in a long distance relationship, but I find myself in one that I am so glad to be a part of.

Anyway, for those of you who made it this far, thanks for your patience and desire to know what I have to say. I love seeing what you have to write about what I write.