Finding Myself Again?

It's strange for me to think about the possibility that I need to "find" myself again. How did I lose myself, one may wonder? Well, it's less of losing myself and more of not taking enough time for myself away from books, my computer, music and even people. I realized the other day that I need to write more. In fact, I have done hardly any writing since I moved last November. Writing has always been the catharsis for my moodiness when it hits. It is the tool I use to dig out the negative feelings I have and channel them into words. Sometimes these words makes it onto one of my three blogs, and sometimes it stays unseen on my computer or gets discarded on a scratch piece of paper. I never really thought of myself as a prolific writer, but I've always acknowledged the importance of writing in my life.

I'm not the world's greatest writer, nor do I think I'm God's gift to words. However, I know that when I write I can put words to thoughts, feelings and impressions better than if I tried to express them verbally. I've always wondered about why it's been easier for me to write my emotions than to speak them. Sometimes when I'm writing a short story or a poem, I remove those feelings from my heart and mind to prepare to let go of them. Of late, I've noticed that I've held onto a lot of emotions that usually don't bog me down. Most of the things I've held onto are really stupid things that I should never have entertained in the first place but festers each time my thoughts brush against them.

In my years in Hawaii, I discovered the importance of going through my emotional layers and scrubbing away those emotions and ideas that hurt my soul. It was something of a weekly routine of mine to run on the beach and digging in myself for those things that drug me down during the day or week and to go home and proceed to write about them. Some days I wrote more than other days, but for the most part, the act of writing helped me purge myself of the parts of me that weren't good. I still run now, but I spend less time analyzing myself and more time mindlessly running to the beat of the music blaring in my ears. Music isn't bad, but it keeps me from taking time to pamper myself and work toward being a better person.

This post is my first step toward taking time to healing the hurt on my soul from the stupid, negative ideas and emotions I allow into my heart and mind.

It's Been a While

I guess the title says it all. It's been a while since I last felt inclined to write. Strange that I wouldn't feel inclined to write. I love writing, but that's another post for another time. As far as work annals go, things at work seem to be on the twisty part of the roller coaster ride. I've been super busy this past week or so and will welcome not having to rush to a deadline, if that will ever happen again.

It seems like my life has become less social of late as well. I've cloistered myself and just stuck with hanging out with a select few. Honestly, I don't mind this. I like focusing my efforts on a few people rather than a lot. Granted, getting to know a lot of people is fun because of the uniqueness each person has, getting to know only a few people better has its merits as well. Strangely, Utah has been growing on me since the scenery started to look greener. I don't quite know what it is about green that makes me happy and less stressed, but I'll take it.

Back in December, my best friend asked me if I wanted to run a marathon with her this upcoming December. Me, being the softy that I am, said of course I'd love to. The funny thing about this is the fact that I am not a fan of running. I am more of a fan of playing sports to be healthy than running, but I'll do this for her. Besides, it'll be a cool thing to tell people about when I'm older. I've started looking at life experiences that way: cool thing to tell people when I'm older. I'm less hesitant to reject something because of that line of thinking.

So, my sorry attempt at a blog log is more of just a catch-up post than anything else. Lots has been on my mind these past months of silence, and I get the feeling lots will be on my mind for a while yet.

Song of the Day

"Look After You" by The Fray.

A Voice That Soothes From the Past

This day has been wonderful for me. I've been able to really relax for the first time in a little while and take care of myself. After accomplishing the feat of building my new bookshelf, I wondered what I could possibly do this weekend to come close to meeting the feat of last week. I took a bath that felt wonderful which helped. But, what really made this day one worth remembering was the fact that I was able to reconnect with one of my closest friends today.

She and I have left deep imprints on each other's lives and being able to talk with her was amazing. Heh, amazing is one of the words she uses to describe me all the time. I wonder if her words are too kind, but at the same time, I'm grateful that she says them as boldly and honestly as she does. It didn't feel like she and I hadn't had much contact in over a year as we talked to each other. I will never stop being amazed at how well Heavenly Father knows me and the things that I need in my life. Hearing this friends' voice was paramount among the things that I've needed in my life. Rarely do I recognize His hand as quickly as this, but it's still amazing to me that He knows me like He does.

I haven't had a terrible week this week, and my life has reached a relative stable point. Still, being able to catch up a little with her has made my week that much better. I feel that much better.

Misadventures in Dating

After tonight and a couple of previous dates that were on the so-so side, I'm realizing the difficulty and stress of dating. In high school and college even, dating didn't seem to have as many unspoken expectations as dating now seems to have. I never know if/when the guy might be expecting more from me than I am "giving" or how he'll react to who I am as a whole. I've discovered that I talk a lot while on dates but then again, I talk a lot to my friends and family. I've discovered that I can't read men as well as I can read women. I've discovered that even though I've made up my mind to not be in the "hunt" while I date, I'm certainly not in a "make friends" mode either.

Aw, being stuck somewhere inbetween surely is a rather annoying place to be. I've never seen myself as the flirty, ditsy type of woman who doesn't really care if she finds someone to make out with or who'll completely devote himself to her. I think I do well on dates, but first date number three since I moved down here and not a second yet. Of course, I must give it time. Three dates in two months is quite the feat for me. Maybe it just boils down to an attraction issue with me. Issue seems to carry a negative conotation to some people, but there is nothing negative about it with me.

Ultimately though, it would be nice if dating would be less of a misadventure where all sorts of bungles, mayhem, and misunderstandings occur and more of an adventure where it gets adrenaline pumping, excitement sparked and connections to be made.

Whatever dating becomes, it will always be this: a once in a lifetime chance.

Preview of Capt Caf's New Episode

Things have gotten to the point where all you Capt Caf fans have waited for: another episode to the daily workings of our wonderful superhero. I promise that I have already worked on writing the next short and that it should be up soon.

Here's a little teaser to keep you interested: Capt Caf's heart is tested time and again as many hunters set traps, snares and pitfalls for our hero. Can she make it through them all and survive? Will she eventually rejoin the human race by my hand? You must read the story to find out.

Ushering in a New Phase

So to the faithful who have checked my blog for updates recently, I must apologize for my slothful approach to sharing my thoughts with you.

I have started a new-ish life in Utah, and even though I have been very cold and somewhat disjointed, I find that I am enjoying being here. I never planned nor wanted to live in Utah for many reasons: it's landlocked where I've spent the majority of my life living near the ocean, it's a desert where I've only lived in humid places, I don't know how to say this without it being misconstrued so... there are a lot more white people here than what I've grown accustomed to these last four years, and frankly, I'm not terribly closer to my family living here.

Well, despite my earlier complaints and misgivings about this area, it's beginning to grow on me. I've started noticing the beauty of the sunsets as I leave work and see the purples, pinks and oranges coloring the mountains. Even though the drivers here scare me most of the time, I'm beginning to enjoy exploring the towns from the vantage point behind the wheel of a car. I'm even enjoying being around students again.

I really am doing well down here. I'm happy where I'm at, and I'm even beginning to get the hang of my new job. It amazes me how after all the pieces are picked up and thrown all over the place how well they manage to fit back together once the turmoil comes to an end.

Song of the Day

"Where'd You Go" by Fort Minor